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Story

"I can't go on like this."

 

A voice that had long been constrained was finally set free by the quiet night, reverberating in my blank mind. How could I live in this never-ending night with no light of hope in sight? The desire to self-soothe like the peaceful night, the urge to shine like the cheering stars, and the instinct to be true to myself, though unknown to me at the time, started me on my search for hope.

 

I was adopted when I was a few days old. Growing up, my parents had always told me how my biological father held me the day of my adoption and that I was so special to them.  I have very loving, secure, and strong parents and a brother. They are genuinely wonderful people. But all through my life, I had struggled with anxiety and depression. I tried to fight it to get rid of it on the surface. I thought it was just the way I was.

 

Until one night, I received an email from someone I didn't know. She told me that she had been searching for me and that she was my biological half-sister. It was very overwhelming. I had never thought that someone would be looking for me, let alone see me as a part of her family. Gleams of my biological family history were starting to shine through the hazy darkness, and it slowly dawned on me that there was more.

 

I wanted to find out more about myself and my past. With the help of my therapist, I mustered up the courage to contact my biological father for the first time. From him, I learned how difficult my adoption was for him. It had affected him deeply and everlastingly, which led to the creation of this poem titled "Yours."

 

Yours

in heaven,
if you saw me,
would you know me?
if you did
we could
dance
from star to star
as they winked and tickled
urgently beneath our feet,
and dive
into the Big Dipper
for a foamy,
milky,
splash and swim.

we could
sit upon the crook
of an October, crescent moon,
dangle our toes in the void
and like berries
pluck starry, pinpoint lights
from black, silken skies.

collecting them in our pockets,
we could sprinkle them
like glistening, magic happy dust
over the world
and brighten the heavens
with love and truth.

If in heaven,
you remembered,
I                    am

                                  yours.

 

Stunned, touched, and moved, his words resonated with me deeply. It gave so much more weight and meaning to my anxiety and depression. Then I realized each person in my life that has encouraged and been there for me is a source of hope for me- a star.  Like stargazing, one by one, new understanding accretes and becomes a pathway to greater self-compassion. I started actively working on identifying and accepting my feelings. I got friendlier with my depression and anxiety instead of fighting them. I worked on building a toolbox of coping techniques and practiced using them when I needed them.

 

I wanted a reminder of my sources of hope. I also wanted to remind myself that there may be sources of hope that I haven't found yet. This is how Nadia’s Hope was born. We at Nadia's Hope want to be your little reminder of the stars in your life.

 

-Deanna

 

 

 

Written by Agatha Lee & Deanna Swanson